Tensions and Conflict in Social Relationships at University

Introduction

The diversity of people from different ethnicities, nationalities, socio-economic backgrounds, sexualities, and religions is one of the highlights of the university experience. However, it can also make it tricky to manage relationships at times. Created by students, researchers, and professionals, this page is tailor-made to help you navigate those difficult dynamics.

Let's Go

Understanding Tension and Conflict

Fundamental differences in political opinion can make maintaining friendships difficult [1]. Many people hold particular assumptions or biases that are unconsciously shaped by their backgrounds and previous experiences. You may encounter individuals or even make friends at university who openly disagree with your views. This can become problematic if their opinions are exclusionary or offensive to you or your background [2].

Many political views can be strongly linked to a person's background, morality, and identity [3]. When these are challenged, they can evoke strong emotional reactions that cause conflict or tension [4]. This can be exacerbated by mainstream political language and arguments that foster a mentality of “us vs. them” [5]. Evidence from America suggests that around 1 in 6 people have abandoned friendships for political reasons [6].

What Can I Do?

Building a Plan of Action

Here are some ideas for actions that might help. Each step can overlap and build on others, but some parts may be more relevant to your situation. While you may have heard some of this advice before—and we understand that it can be frustrating to listen to the same things repeatedly—we suggest it because it has proven effective for many people in the past. Feel free to try something out and revisit or adjust as needed.

  • Identify and understand topics that trigger a particularly strong emotional response. Read the signs and be aware of the times you are reacting emotionally and unable to engage with a topic calmly or productively.

  • Make it clear if you do not want to discuss certain topics or events, along with the reasons why. If the other person crosses those boundaries, you can stop the discussion, walk away, and share your reasons. This is a helpful guide to start mapping out topics you do not want to discuss with friends: Choosing-Conversations-to-Have.pdf (b-cdn.net).

  • Exposing yourself to different ideas and perspectives can enrich your understanding. It's important to remember that everyone has had different life experiences before university, and you might have different views or perspectives if you had a different upbringing. Exploring alternative perspectives can help you refine or justify your own views.

  • Ensure that the other person feels valued and respected in their opinions. Showing that you want to learn about the other person’s perspective can help them feel respected, potentially strengthening your relationship with them. Watch this video to understand how to actively listen: Active Listening (youtube.com).

  • Labeling someone and associating them heavily with a particular view or set of views can be incredibly restrictive. Identities are intersectional, and many beliefs can be fluid and inconsistent. You might find you agree with someone on a lot more than you disagree.

  • Identify other shared interests or values that you can bond over. If the relationship is important to you, this approach may be more helpful for preserving it than trying to win them over to your perspective. This is a 15-minute video to get you started on ways of finding common ground: How to disagree productively and find common ground | Julia Dhar (youtube.com).

  • If you find that a relationship is causing you significant distress due to opposing views, it may be time to take a step back and remove yourself. It is common to drift apart or lose contact with friends at university as you grow and get to know them better. You don’t have to stay friends with people you meet at the start if you find they have inconsistent values or views compared to your own.

Ask a Friend

Finding People at University Who Make You More Open-Minded: Ginger talks about how finding your “tribe” at university can improve mental health, especially in the ways that they challenge your opinions and make you more open-minded to other perspectives. (Read Time: 5 minutes)

Share Your Story: Help fellow students learn from your experiences and feel less alone. Contribute to Student Minds, the UK’s leading student mental health charity, and ensure your voice reaches those who need it most.

What Other Support Is Available?

  • Gareth Huges discusses how to navigate the end of a relationship as a student, which might be something you experience if the conflict in your friendships reaches unsustainable levels. (Read Time: 3 minutes)

  • Rupinder Mahil explores the reasons behind conflict in friendships and other relationships. (Read Time: 3 minutes)

  • Rupinder Mahil writes about ways in which students can prepare to address conflict in friendships that might have arisen over disagreements. (Read Time: 3 minutes)

  • Rupinder Mahil focuses on a series of steps and behaviours to keep in mind when addressing conflict with a friend for better resolution and discussion. (Read Time: 4 minutes)

  • Sarah Regan provides a guide for ending a friendship in a healthy and mature way. (Read Time: 8 minutes)

  • Rena Goldman touches upon what makes a good friendship, why there might be political disagreements with friendships and how to navigate these differences. (Read Time: 7 minutes)

  • Sandee LaMotte presents 10 ways to bridge the gap between friends who have different political opinions. (Read Time: 7 minutes)

  • Todd Kashdan writes about the fragility of adult friendships and how they are affected very deeply by political differences when they are not built on strong grounds. (Read Time: 8 minutes)

Explore related topics:

Social Expectations vs. Reality
Making Friends

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Check Out Our Sources:

  1. Collado, Z. (2022). The Cost of Political Differences to the Peace of Friendship. Peace Review, 34(3), 303–315. https://doi.org/10.1080/10402659.2022.2088231

  2. Idham, S., Mugair, S., Baagbah, S., Feng, H., Husseiny, F., Saab, J. (2023). The Use and Exposure of Hate Speech Among Students: A Discourse Analysis Study. Theory and Practice in Language Studies, 13 (12), 3087-3096. https://doi.org/10.17507/tpls.1312.05

  3. Federico, C. M., & Ekstrom, P. D. (2018). The Political Self: How Identity Aligns Preferences with Epistemic Needs. Psychological Science, 29(6), 901-913. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797617748679

  4. Schmid, K. & Muldoon, O. (2013). Perceived Threat, Social Identification, and Psychological Well-Being: The Effects of Political Conflict Exposure. Political Psychology, 36 (1), 75-92. https://doi.org/10.1111/pops.12073

  5. Bilewicz, M. & Wiktor, S. (2020). Hate Speech Epidemic: The Dynamic Effects of Derogatory Language on Intergroup Relations and Political Radicalization. Political Psychology, 41 (1), 3-33. https://doi.org/10.1111/pops.12670

  6. Cox, D. (2021). The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss: Findings from the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/